I want my mother and other ramblings

(To all who have commented on my first post and sent me private messages, thank you. I hear and feel the love you are sending and it gives me reason to hang in there.)

I want my Mom.

Primally, pre-verbally want my Mom, now. I want my Mom so bad, it makes me cry. I want to be held, comforted, told everything will be all right and to have the competent, reliable adult fix whatever is wrong in my world.

The English word orphan is derived from the Latin word orphanus which is in turn derived from the Greek word orphanos which is derived from orphos . What all these words mean is deprived or bereft. Orphans are bereft ones. I feel bereft of my Mother, which is horrible.

Now, I understand that I am too old to want my Mom, that I have to take care of myself and really, probably don't deserve my Mom's consideration anymore. Frankly, my Mom just isn't capable and I want something that is impossible and always was.

This doesn't change how I feel, at all.

I wish I could let go.